happy december!

Happy December! 

Sooo I was trying to think of what to write in this blog and I thought I would share an assignment that I had to do for the book of Job last week. Job was is a really incredible book. It can be confusing and I think like most people, I don't fully understand it. But something that I think is cool about it is the fact that it is in the Bible for a reason; so as much as I question it I also think it is really amazing and has purpose.  

One of the assignments we had to do was write about a time in our walk with God that we went through a time of testing or suffering. I have only been a christian for almost 5 years so there hasn't been a whole lot of suffering but I thought of something and I'm going to share with you the essay I wrote. :) Enjoy:

    The most severe time of testing I have been through in my four year walk with God would have been the time after my engagement ended a year ago. It was October 2011 when I called off the engagement to a guy that I had been with for a bit over a year and engaged to for 4ish months, it was a difficult decision and was a life changing one for sure.

  My past of complete brokenness didn't set a very sturdy stage for that relationship. I had done two training schools with YWAM and staffed two DTS’s but I was still not at a place that I was able to take on a new and serious relationship. It was an amazingly beautiful and painful relationship that revealed to me where I actually was in my hearts healing process.  I learned that the things that had been done to me as a child were still open wounds that I hadn't allowed to heal. All of the pain and distrust that were in that relationship were a direct result of the things that I had gone through when I was younger and without the Lord as my savior. I didn't know how to receive love, give love, and I couldn't believe that someone could purely adore someone of the opposite sex. After a year on the roller coaster of that relationship I realized that there was no way I could enter into a marriage being as broken as I was, so I ended it. It wasn't as if God had spoken and said end that relationship, nobody was telling me to, in fact people were encouraging me not to; it was a very confusing and hard decision to make. I remember asking God if I could be done because my heart was so tired from trying to figure out how to go forward. So many pieces of my heart were not put together; I felt like God allowed me to end it and I did.

  The time after that relationship ended was one of the most challenging times in my walk with God. I was so lost, I didn't understand if what I had done was right or wrong, I was a mess and didn't know how to get back on my feet. All of the temptations that I had dealt with and gave into from before I was a Christian came up again. I began drinking heavily, living extremely recklessly, hurting the people around me with the choices I was making and I was afraid to go to God. My prayers were short and desperate; everything in me ached with confusion. One night while I was taking a shower I broke down to God and said that I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore, I poured out my heart to Him. I was angry, broken and so depressed;  I knew something needed to be done. I finished my lament to him by saying I can’t do this anymore and his response was perfect! He said clear as day, “Then change it.” Whoa, so simple but so radical to my brain at that time.

  From that time on I was determined to change it, with so much help from my sister, her husband, and an amazingly talented professional therapist I began the journey back. The counsel that was given to me during that time was the most solid and helpful counsel I had ever gotten in my life. None of the people I was talking to addressed the issue of the ended relationship at hand; they all took a deeper look. My therapist took me back to the places in my past where I had been hurt and he walked me through the healing process of those things. Each week that I visited my counselor he looked at the fruit that was a product of the deep rooted event that had happened in my past. He didn't help me just cut the fruit off, he helped me pull up the ENTIRE root. It was painful but so needed. My sister and her husband took the role of being there to comfort and encourage me when I felt as though I was faltering. I would have days that seemed to go on forever and I thought that I wasn't going to be able to continue on with the healing that God was giving me. Sometimes I was so sad and confused about all that had happen that I didn't want to turn to God; but He always gently nudged me to keep going.  I questioned God a lot in that time; I questioned the things that I thought he had spoken to me and wondered if I had completely missed something. Some days I would be really angry at God, not only for the relationship but for the things that had happened in the past that left me so broken and unable to relate at that time in a romantic way.

   During all that time of healing I realized how much grace God had with me; He showed it especially through my sister and her husband who I took a lot of my anger out on. They were so patient with me and reminded me constantly that it would take time and time was not a bad thing. I thought I had an idea of what my life was going to look like, I was sort of leaning on that and when it all ended I realized just how much God loves me and wants me to look to him for my future and in that I would find complete peace and wholeness.  In that time I also learned that I am a fighter, a stubborn fighter but still a fighter. I go after the things I believe in; the stubborn part of the fighter in me is if I don’t believe in something even if it’s true, it takes a lot of urging to get me going. Gods working on me though ;). 

  Some advice I would give to someone who is about to go through the same thing as I did or is in it right now would be to not give up. It sounds cheesy but it’s so true. DO NOT GIVE UP. Have grace with yourself and take it step by step… Eventually you will look back and see that each step you took was a part of a mile.. Which turned into two or three miles and before you know it you are in a completely different state from where you came from!  God is gracious and gentle with us. Always remember that.

So there it is folks! One of the assignments I did for Job. I haven't spoken about many personal things on here yet, but I am willing to. The relationship/engagement I was in was super important and a big part of my life.. and it wasn't that long ago. I am open to talking about it, because I do feel like I've learned a lot from it. But I'm not finished, like I said in the essay some days were really hard and still some days are difficult. But this time, instead of turning to my own devices I take time to spend with God and the people around me that remind me that it just takes time. 

:)

My beautiful sister Jessica. I am so thankful for her everyday. I look up to her and learn from her constantly- She is INCREDIBLE. I am sooooo blessed to have her as my sister and best friend. 

Me at Big Bear last week hoping to see snow but there wasn't any.. I like this picture.. my sister takes tons of pictures of me all the time which is super helpful for blogging.. this one is sort of artsy ;)